Am I just too caught up on wording? Am I being nitpicky?
The topic on my mind today is one of Lafayette native Lauren Daigle’s newest tunes, “You Say.” Here are the lyrics in case you’re not familiar:
I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to knowYou say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
You say I am held when I am falling short
When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours
And I believe, oh I believe
What You say of me
I believeThe only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity,Taking all I have and now I’m laying it at Your feetYou have every failure God, and You’ll have every victory
I can’t trust what I see in the mirror, and I can’t even trust photos of myself.
They say the mirror doesn’t lie, and that may or may not be true, but it doesn’t have anything to do with how you see yourself. Jeremiah 17:9 says that our hearts are deceitful. They will lie to us about anything and everything, including what our eyes see.
I see a bad picture of myself, and I think, “Do I really look like that in real life?” One picture can send me down a deep, dark abyss of depression and self-hatred.
And my view of myself (physically) always depends on my mood. If I’m having a great day, I’m likely to see a picture of myself or see my reflection and think, “Dang, I look good! Why did I ever think I was fat?” But the very next day I could be in a sour mood, and seeing a reflection or picture can make me want to hide under a rock.
So what’s up with that? What does that prove? Well, it proves that we shouldn’t put so much importance on our external appearance. And it reminds me to focus on cultivating the beauty that God finds very precious, which is the beauty that comes from trusting God (1 Peter 1:3-5). The inside beauty. “Charm is fleeting, and beauty is deceptive, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised,” (Proverbs 31:31).
It’s also freed me. Instead of worrying about how I look, I trust what my husband says about my appearance. If he says I’m not fat or ugly, I’ll believe him, because I know I can’t trust my own eyes, but I can trust him. And also trust what God says about me, which is that I’m part of the beautiful bride of Christ.
It seems I can’t spend any time with other women these days without being subjected to a conversation about diet, exercise, and weight. It is honestly something I’ve come to dread.
My personal stance on the aforementioned is neutral in nature. I try not to think too much about what I eat. What should be important is not what I’m eating but why I’m eating and how much. And when it comes to exercise, I know that I need more of it and am currently taking steps to have more of in my life. Read More »
I’m excited to be doing something a little new for this blog post! This blog so far has been a collection of spiritual and Christian reflections on sin, anxiety, and Christian living, among other things related. Recently I have rekindled my passion for book writing, thanks to Jane the Virgin, in fact! Jane’s an avid romance writer and seeing her episode after episode struggle to keep up with her passion was a huge inspiration for me to get back on the horse.
So I guess this is my debut as a fiction writer. The organizer in me is already thinking about starting a different blog just for talking about that, and keeping this blog about spiritual stuff. (We’ll see what happens!)
That being said, I have also recently tried to make connections with other bloggers and writers, and lo and behold, I’m already doing my first collaboration! The aim of it is to see how different personalities, specifically extroverted and introverted personalities, affect writing styles and make us the different and unique writers we are. Below is a series of questions, interview-style, to let you learn more about little old me and my writing style:
A mistake that many of us make is waiting to do something until we feel inspired. For instance, this morning I didn’t feel like doing my usual freewriting exercise, but I managed to get it done anyway. And I felt good afterward. I also didn’t feel like reading the Bible. But by the grace of God, I did that too.
It’s a catch 22 that we often face in life, especially with the Bible. Every Christians knows that reading the Bible is something they should do, but most if not all Christians struggle with a lack of desire or motivation to do it. The mistake comes in when we decide to wait until we feel like it. In my experience I have found that the longer I wait, the less desire I have to do it. Feelings follow actions, not the other way around. And this is never more true than when it comes to reading the Bible. We generally do what we want to do. And apart from the Spirit of God giving us that motivation and desire, we won’t ever want to read the Bible. So what do we do?
I’m slowly reading through the Old Testament. I might not read every day, and it’s definitely taking me longer than a year, but I’ve never gotten this far through it. I’m in Judges right now, which I think is the most gruesome, depressing book in the Bible.
Over and over again, the Israelites sinned and turned away from the Lord. This led to their own destruction and oppression. When it got so bad that they finally put their idols away and turned back to the Lord, the Lord saved them. Over and over. The problem was that they were constantly falling back into damnation.
I have suffered from what I think is severe anxiety for some time now. It’s always been there, but because I have woken up to it and begun to try to fight it, it has been fighting back even more fiercely. I would like to work through my anxiety and see where the spiritual problems end and where the chemical ones, if there are any, begin. But just the prospect of trying to sort through all my stuff makes me anxious. How ironic! That’s why I’m glad that, as a Christian, I have community that’s committed to seeing things in me that I can’t see myself. That community includes my husband. We had a talk about it last night, and I think I’ve begun to figure some things out about my anxiety, praise be to God.
My thoughts, desires, and motives are like a tangled up ball of yarn. As soon as I try to pull one string, the knots just become worse. I realized that my anxiety largely stems from the desperate desire to control things. Not only do I want to have “a place for everything and everything in its place” on the outside—a place for all the things in my home, for instance—but I also want to have my mind perfectly ordered and under control.
That ain’t happening.
It’s been a couple weeks since I deleted my Facebook account. Although there were a couple temptations to return to share a photo or video, for the most part it has been surprisingly easy not to get sucked back in. What helps with that is the fact that I have an Instagram account. I restored the app to my phone recently and have been using that for a couple days. I still want to be able to share charming photos and videos of my little one, and Instagram is the perfect place for it. This is what I’ve noticed about Instagram versus Facebook and why I feel healthier on just Instagram: Read More »
I remember learning about abstinence in high school, about saving myself for marriage. It was a lofty ideal that I’m not sure I even put much thought into. I was quite the follower then and because people I respected said I needed to, I vowed not to have premarital sex. But my reasoning was hollow. I was saving myself for marriage not out of love for my future spouse or obedience to God, but out of the flawed thinking that keeping myself pure physically meant that I would keep myself spiritually pure.
After several years and also a few scarring sexual experiences, I now realize that the abstinence culture I grew up in damaged me. Yes, my sexual sins damaged me all on their own, because sin is does that, but I’m convinced that the aftermath of my sexual deviance was far worse than it should have been. Instead of my sin leading me to repentance and closer to God, it condemned me because I had developed the idea that virginity was my salvation and worth.Read More »